Miscelanous

Phyllis Diller

Cat or Osama?

Kings

T-Wide Heaven

Christmas

The P.G. Book of Christmas Carols

For Folks Who Can't Stand Christmas



Christmas Carols for People who Can't Stand Christmas. If you're sick of everything being red and green, stupid commercials, pesky kids, long lines, people going crazy and mobbing the shopping mall, etc then these are for you. Just try to imagine that you're listening to each one being sung by Perry Como or the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.





Shopping Sucks
(to the tune of "Jingle Bells")

Parking at the mall
In a sea of traffic jam
Everyone's an ass
Makes you want to say Goddamn! am! am! am!
Someone's pulling out.
And you try to grab that space.
Lose it to an SUV!
Punch the asshole in his face!

Oh shopping sucks shopping sucks
Every year it's worse!
Trampled at the Wal-Mart then
You come home in a hearse!
Shopping sucks shopping sucks
At Christmas, yes it's true
Going to put an end to this
I think I'll become a Jew.

Dashing down the aisles
Knocking folks out of your way
Buy everything in site
Use credit cards to pay ay ay ay
Going into debt
Spending all your bucks
Boy I hate this time of year
Christmas shopping sucks!

(chorus)






Have A Beer
(to the tune of "Let It Snow")

Your Aunt Gladys is trying to hug you.
Screaming kids, you know they bug you.
Enough of this Christmas cheer.
Have a beer, have a beer, have a beer.

Uncle Rudy is belching loudly.
Cousin Horace is farting proudly.
Another big loud Bronx Cheer.
Have a beer, have a beer, have a beer.

With your relatives all in town.
You know that they'll drive you insane.
But the refrigerator's full.
Ice cold brew will relieve all your pain!

Too many family folks, it's frightful!
But the cold ones are delightful.
Since you can't get them out of here.
Have a beer, have a beer have a beer.






Pack The Malls
(to the tune of "Deck The Halls")

Pack the malls with lots of shoppers.
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Start a riot call the coppers,
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Getting shoved at Hechts and Sears,
Fa la la, la la la, la la la
Kick the bastards in their rears.
Fa la la la la, la la la la

Fight to grab the last Nintendo
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Kick that bitch in her hind end-o
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Say "Fuck You" so she can hear it
Fa la la, la la la, la la la
Fuck the Goddamned Christmas Sprit
Fa la la la la, la la la la.






Daddy The Christmas Drunkard
(to the tune of "Rudolph")

There is Ed McMahon, Foster Brooks
And Frank Sinatra...
Hemingway, George Jones and Good
Old Dean Martin...

But do you recall
The best loved boozer of all....?

Daddy the Christmas Drunkard
Always full of Christmas Cheer
Every day of the season
Kills another case of beer.

All of the other fathers
Get grey hair and lose their wits.
Daddy the Christmas Drunkard
Drinks and doesn't give two shits!

Then one stressful Christmas Eve
Santa Claus stopped by.
Daddy, with your bar so stocked
Won't you please please get me crocked?
Now all the other fathers
Visit us and ask with glee
Daddy the Christmas Drunkard
Pour another drink for me!






Hark The Retail Angels Sing

Hark the Retail Angels Sing!
God loves rubes who go shopping.
Prove to all you have no class
Get in debt up to your ass.
Show the world that you're white trash!
Show up there with all your cash!
Jesus says spend all of it!
Buy some Chinese Wal-Mart shit!
Hark the Herald Angles Sing!
Wal-Mart's registers must ring!

Hail the heavenly Wal-Mart,
Be greeted by some old fart.
Bring your money, spend it all,
In the holy Mart of Wal!
Go into the bathroom stall,
See the feces on the wall.
Buy a Chinese pair of slacks!
Worship now the price rollbacks!
Heaven now to earth has come,
Wal-Mart customers, you're dumb.

Praise our Wal-Mart Super Center!
Kneel and pray then you may enter!
Holy shrine of Capatalism!
Makes the Wall Street pricks spew jism!
See your job in Carolina
Given to some prick in China.
Pour your cash in Wal-Mart's drawer,
Make their fucking profits soar.
Prove you've lost your mental health.
Go give Wal-Mart all your wealth.






I Saw Mommy Fucking Santa Claus
(you know the tune to this one)

I saw Mommy fucking Santa Claus
Underneath the Christmas Tree last night.
She let him cop a feel
And then he made her kneel
And then he got his rocks off
While the Christmas bells did peal!

Then, I saw Daddy walking in the room
And flying off into an angry rage!
He told them both 'Merry Christmas'
And then he blasted Santa's ass
With his shiny Winchester 12-gauge!






It's The Most Commercial Time Of The Year
(to tune of the Andy Williams song
"The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year")

It's The Most Commercial Time Of The Year
The cash register's ringing
And folks' fists are swinging
It's getting severe!
It's The Most Commercial Time Of The Year!

It's The Crap-crappiest season of all
See the snarling and fighting
And pushing and biting
In line at the mall!
It's The Crap-crappiest season of all

We get holiday big sales
And Budweiser Clydesdales
And baskets of sausage that smells
There's egg nog and cheese logs and
Those fucking damn dogs that are barking out "Jingle Bells"

It's The Most Commercial Time Of The Year
Each additional spent buck
Means you'll be more fucked in
Your financial rear!
It's The Most Commercial Time Of The Year!






Cookies Burning In The GE Range
(to the tune of "The Christmas Song")

Cookies burning in the GE Range
Dad's in drinking all my Scotch.
Two kids jumping up and down on my knees,
And one just kicked me in the crotch.
Hang around and watch
As Uncle Jack throws up this year
Egg Nog all over the floor.
I can't stand it so I go to the mall
To do more shopping at the store.

Once there my kid's on Santa's lap
He pisses in his pants and then he takes a crap.
Then he starts singing 'Deck The Halls'
And then he kick's Ol' Santa right in his balls.

And so I'm offering you this advice
If kids and family come around...
Spend this Christmas at the neighborhood bar,
Where all your sorrows can be drowned.






The Twelve Days Of Christmas
(Traditional)

On the first day of Christmas
For stress I gave to me
A joint as big around as a tree.

On the second day of Christmas
For stress I gave to me
Two lines of Coke
And a joint as big around as a tree.

On the third day of Christmas
For stress I gave to me
Three quaaludes
Two lines of Coke
And a joint as big around as a tree.

On the fourth day of Christmas
For stress I gave to me
Four percodans
Three quaaludes
Two lines of Coke
And a joint as big around as a tree.

On the fifth day of Christmas
For stress I gave to me
Five grams of hash!!!
Four percodans
Three quaaludes
Two lines of Coke
And a joint as big around as a tree.

On the sixth day of Christmas
For stress I gave to me
Six caps of codeine
Five grams of hash!!!
Four percodans
Three quaaludes
Two lines of Coke
And a joint as big around as a tree.

On the seventh day of Christmas
For stress I gave to me
Seven seconols
Six caps of codeine
Five grams of hash!!!
Four percodans
Three quaaludes
Two lines of Coke
And a joint as big around as a tree.

On the eighth day of Christmas
For stress I gave to me
Eight shots of liquor
Seven seconols
Six caps of codeine
Five grams of hash!!!
Four percodans
Three quaaludes
Two lines of Coke
And a joint as big around as a tree.

On the ninth day of Christmas
For stress I gave to me
Nine bags of barbies
Eight shots of liquor
Seven seconols
Six caps of codeine
Five grams of hash!!!
Four percodans
Three quaaludes
Two lines of Coke
And a joint as big around as a tree.

On the tenth day of Christmas
For stress I gave to me
Ten gulps of goofballs
Nine bags of barbies
Eight shots of liquor
Seven seconols
Six caps of codeine
Five grams of hash!!!
Four percodans
Three quaaludes
Two lines of Coke
And a joint as big around as a tree.

On the eleventh day of Christmas
For stress I gave to me
Eleven yellow jackets
Ten gulps of goofballs
Nine bags of barbies
Eight shots of liquor
Seven seconols
Six caps of codeine
Five grams of hash!!!
Four percodans
Three quaaludes
Two lines of Coke
And a joint as big around as a tree.

On the twelfth day of Christmas
For stress I gave to me
Twelve vials of valiums
Eleven yellow jackets
Ten gulps of goofballs
Nine bags of barbies
Eight shots of liquor
Seven seconols
Six caps of codeine
Five grams of hash!!!
Four percodans
Three quaaludes
Two lines of Coke
And a joint as big around as a tree.






I'm Beginning To Get Quite Sick Of Christmas
(with apologies to Perry Como)

I’m beginning to get quite sick of Christmas.
More so every day.
Everything’s green and red.
Migraine inside my head.
Wish the f**king mess would go away!

I’m beginning to get quite sick of Christmas.
Folks have lost their minds.
Crowding into each store.
Everyone’s mean and sore.
Wish that I could kick their damned behinds.

A great big expensive box of a thousand Legos
Is the wish of Barney and Ben
They’ll open them up, dump them out on the floor
And be bored by five after ten.
And I can hardly wait for noon to open that bottle of gin…

I'm beginning to get quite sick of Christmas.
All the folks you meet.
Most are surly and mean.
Some are rather obscene.
And some are puking egg nog in the street.

I'm beginning to get quite sick of Christmas.
Climb into my bed.
Stuff my fingers in my ears,
Drown out the holiday cheers,
And wish that I was dead!






The Chipmunk Song
(Everybody knows THIS one...)

Christmas, Christmas time is near
Buy some liquor, buy some beer.
Get me drunk, get on with it
Get me through this Christmas shit.

Feel like barfing up my soup
I think it's a crock of poop.
I can't stand much more of it
Please end this Christmas shit.

I just drank a fifth of Scotch.
I just threw up on my crotch!
I can't stand much more of it
Please end this Christmas shit.

I can't stand much more of it
Please end this Christmas shit.






Away, At The Wal-Mart
(to the tune of "Away In A Manger")

Away at the Wal-Mart
While most people snore
A bunch of dumb assholes
Are charging the door

They'll rush down the aisles
After all they can get
And fill up their baskets
With cheap Chinese shit

They'll tussle and grab
And keep loading up more.
At some point one of them
Will piss on the floor.

They'll scream and they'll argue
O'er all that they see
Then get in a fight over
That last TV

They'll charge to the register
So they can pay
While knocking old ladies
Right out of their way.

They'll trample their neighbors
And several will die.
Then after the Wal-Mart
They're off to Best Buy.






Frosty the Pervert
By Bryan Garrett
(to the tune of "Frosty the Snowman")

Frosty the pervert
In a trench coat he did go
To a the school yard to expose his dick
And balls made of snow.

Frosty the pervert
All the kids he liked to watch
His dick did grow when he packed snow
On his cold and icy crotch.

There must have must have been some magic
When he stroked his frozen meat
Cause frosty started moaning loud
And it began to sleet.

Frosty the pervert
Was as glad as he could get
He threw away his corn cob pipe
And lit a ciggerette.

Frosty the pervert
Didnt want to go to jail
He began to run while dripping cum
And the cops picked up his trail.

Down to the village
His dick melting in his hand
Running here and there
All around the square
Yelling "catch me if you can."

They chased him down the streets of town
Right to a vice squad cop
Who shoved a night stick right up his ass
And Frosty screamed "dont stop!!"

Frosty the pervert
Was locked up that very day
But he did not cry as he waved good bye
Knowing he'd be back someday.

Beating his meat
All over the streets
Look at frosty go!

Sliding his hands
All over his glands
His cum, as white as snow!





All photos on this page were found on the web. I'm assuming that the folks who posted them have a similar sense of humor to mine, and won't be too mad at me for using them. Thanks!